Ah, New Zealand, right there on the corner of every map you’ll ever see. What a beautiful country it is too. Gorgeous scenery, brimming with hills and an adventurous spirit and blah blah, superlative, adjective, adjective, adjective – you get it; you know how beautiful it is. And trust me, New Zealand’s great. Just go. Their tourism campaign could literally be the Google Images search of “New Zealand”. There’s something for everyone, whether be it risking your life skydiving or risking your life saying the All Blacks aren’t the best Rugby Union side in the world. Let me hit you with some knowledge about some of the people you’ll meet in the land of the Long White Cloud:
1. People who were in Lord of the Rings (or knew someone who was)
Throw an engraved ring anywhere in New Zealand and you’ll come across someone who was in one of Peter Jackson’s epic masterpieces. There’s no escaping it. Not that they’d necessarily want to – those movies singlehandedly bolstered the kiwi tourism industry more than anything else ever. Which is odd, because you’d think people would be scared to venture somewhere where horses are the only mode of transport and orcs roam like swans in the park. You’d also have thought that the sheen had rubbed off a bit after all these years, but then the Hobbit came along which was a completely unnecessary reminder to the rest of the world that, yes, New Zealand still has hills. That being said, the people have certainly shouted, “Fly you fools!” on the jokes. They’re not massive fans of the whole, “Is Sauron running in the next general election”, and won’t necessarily love it when you compare their girlfriend affectionately to Smaug.
2. Adrenaline Junkies
For a country that is the embodiment of a sedate sheep, it’s amazing how many endorphins you can blast through in New Zealand. There’s so much enthusiasm for the outdoors and living life to the extreme that it borders on the exaggerated. The people there take it seriously. The New Zealand landscape is definitely built like a rogue Japanese game show – insane rapids, sheer-drop cliffs, hills like stock market crashes, cliffhanger mountains, brutalist beaches – each of which lends itself to an activity that could definitely leave you dead. The upside is you’ll die with a giant grin on your face. But chat to the adrenaline junkies that partake in these activities and they’ll chew your ears off with tales of fun and adventure and near-death experiences that are enough to have you cementing yourself to the safety of your couch for the rest of your life.
3. Fisher Price, My First Travellers
New Zealand has an insanely low crime rate; the whole country likely rivals your local shoplifting numbers from the IGA down the road. New Zealand was recently ranked as the second least corrupt country and fourth safest in the world. That makes it a perfect starting point for people who are a bit nervous about travelling. When you travel around New Zealand, you’re bound to find a lot of singles or newbie travellers who want to get a bit of an appetizer for travelling before they head off into the bigger, badder world. Their naivety is often adorable and they’re likely the ones who haven’t been corrupted by the nagging fear of tourist traps and pickpockets.
4. Rugby Aficionados
New Zealanders love their rugby…is the most obvious statement ever written. They’re fanatical, but unlike other countries with an unearned arrogance, New Zealand is actually pretty damn hot at rugby. Going over there with a slither of knowledge about the game will open a lot of conversations about scrums and rucks and line-outs and Richie McCaw. The conversations rarely get heated because it’s hard to argue with a side that won the World Cup and comfortably sits atop the ivory tower of the World Rugby rankings. Also hard to argue because some of the guys you’ll be arguing against have arms the size of mature sycamore trees and could literally push your eyes through the back of your skull to make you see it their way.
5. Old People
Oddly, I found there were a lot of old people in New Zealand, both tourists and locals. This isn’t a slight, but rather an observation. While admittedly old people can replace the demons in my nightmares due to their stark reminder of what’s to come and the risk of catapulting dentures leaving serious scars, they’re a mostly harmless subsection of people. Without making too many assumptions about this group, few of them seemed there to bomb hills and bungee jump and most seemed content with the calmness and cleanliness of the place. I mention them only because you can expect a few delays on the sidewalks as they break either a) to catch their breath, b) their hips.
6. Nice drinkers
There are one type of person you’ll 100% meet when you travel through New Zealand – lovely drinkers. I didn’t want to include them in this list because it’s such an eye-rolling cliché, and I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed all my fans with such an obvious inclusion, but I’m a observer of truths, people. Anyway, at first, I thought it was just their tinny-high accents that misled me into thinking they were nice, the way it’s impossible to hate anyone who’s just inhaled helium. But in actuality, they are genuinely pleasant. Not a lot of hostility amongst kiwis. While I have a slight distrust for New Zealand guys because one of them slept with a girl I liked once, I shouldn’t hold that against a whole country. I do, but I shouldn’t. In any case, personal bitterness aside, I’ve grown to understand that the reason she fell for them is because they are just so optimistically smiley people. They also love a good drink and will happily make time for you…and that girl you like if you’re not careful.
